What do you do with a bad kisser?

Hello, hello, we meet again.  It's been a while, and I've been pretty darn busy, but I'm currently unemployed and waiting for a start date on my new job.  I don't want to jinx anything, but when I can, I will surely and happily announce to the world what my new life path entails.

On to bigger and better things, a new thought that has crossed my mind that's worthy to blog about- bad kissers.  What do you do with them?  Kick em' to the curb?  Teach them how to kiss the way you like it?  Is there a bad/wrong way to kiss?  Yeah, there sure as hell is.

Back in the day, during my Match days, I was casual dating a guy that was a bad kisser.  I didn't like him enough to consider him to be baby daddy material, but he was nice to be around with for the time being.  I really just couldn't break it off with him because he was a bad kisser; but now that I think about it, couldn't I?  I mean a strong relationship to me is a combination of friendship, respect, and sexual attraction.  I had that with him, but since he was so bad at kissing, I just couldn't do it or think about wanting to move it to the next level.  He was so nice that I kept saying yes to next dates, and the bad kissing part was the only reason why I wanted to say no.  It was like kissing a dead fish; his tongue just sat in my mouth cold and wet and I didn't know what to do with it.  He just didn't move, didn't use any hands, no passion at all.  I would start to avoid any type of contact with him and always met in public places and dreaded the end of the night where he walked me to my car and kissed me goodnight or drove me home and kissed me goodnight.  Maybe we just had no sexual chemistry even though I found him attractive, but you can't exactly tell someone that, or can you?  Is that offensive?  It takes me back to the movie 27 Dresses, (Long story short- girl loves her boss, her boss falls for her sister, it doesn't work out with sister, so she tells the boss she likes him, they kiss and they don't feel any "magic.") so when you don't feel "magic" with someone, I guess you can tell them?  How is that magic supposed to feel?  A little tingle in your heart?  A little tingle in your lady parts?  Maybe?  Maybe I thought things would change, maybe I thought could change them, but when I really get down to thinking and writing, it is what it is.  You can't force things that aren't meant to be.  I knew from square one that it wasn't right, but why did I keep pursing it?  To fill up my time?  To try and make it work because I knew how nice he was and it's so hard to find a nice guy now-a-days?  Whatever the reason was, now I know that you really need to realize that what you see is what you get, and if something bothers you that much, then it's a deal breaker and you end things.  I guess you got to experience life and people to really realize what's good and not good for you.

I once had a friend that a lot of my guy friends made out with, and they always said she was a bad kisser- dead fish kinda deal.  Each and every guy said the same thing to me and pulled me aside and asked me to show her how to kiss.  Never did, I never confronted her, I didn't know how I would do it.  Now, she's in a steady relationship with a guy that can deal with her bad habits.  Maybe he didn't think being a bad kisser was that big of a deal.  Who knows, I can never ask, but maybe he doesn't think she's a bad kisser, maybe he taught her, maybe I have to ask him... Maybe I'll just keep that scenario to my imagination.

Life is about experiencing new things each and everyday.  You can't shelter yourself, you just got to go out and do you.  Even though he was a nice guy, being a bad kisser really was what I couldn't deal with.  I couldn't think about having to deal with how horrible it would be if the kisses goodnight were bad.  (I mean, hey, it's the truth)  So, you got to find someone with flaws that you can accept, ones that aren't going to bother you each and everyday; just takes a lot of dates, timing, and patience to find someone with those qualities.  Good luck to me and all of you out there ;)

That's it for now.
xox C

The lovely world of Tinder - Part I

This is the first blog post that I don't even know where to begin; this really has been one in the making.

So, for you all that do not know, Tinder is a dating application used on smartphones.  The jist of the application is something like this: you have a maximum of four pictures, you can write a couple sentence biography underneath your photo, it's really a vain application (in my opinion), GPS locates where you are, and you're matched up with males or females in an age range of your choice.  If you like someone's photos, you swipe your finger to the right and if you don't like someone's photos, you swipe to the left.  When you do like someone and he/she likes you, you're "matched" and you're given an opportunity to message each other.  It's a interesting program, don't get me wrong, but not so great people are on it.

When I say not so great people are on it, I say not the kinda people (for the most part- some of my great girlfriends are on it, and of course I'm on it.) you're going to bring home to mom and dad are on it.  If you're looking to just hook up with someone, then you're on the right dating application.  So, me looking for a relationship and not just a hook up, perhaps I should have steered clear from the application from the start.  I have met one person from Tinder, and the experience was so bad that I would never use the application ever again.  Let me give you seven solid scenarios, and perhaps you'll be able to hear me out and get a kick out of it.

Where to I begin?  Which story is the worst? Most of them are just funny messages, I could only screen shot, so I'll just post screen shots with witty side comments.  Apparently last time I did that, it was quite the hit.  Please note the time of day for some of these messages.


1.


... Was this actually real life?  I need to meet one of the girls that actually said yes.


2.

... I should have said something like sorry, I don't wash my hair because I don't have any and I'm going through chemotherapy.  Something to make him feel like the compete asshole that he is.

3.

Too bad I don't need a green card.

4.

Other than the fact that he has the same name as my brother, I gotta give him points on getting creative, but really?  That's all you're going to talk to me about?  I just lost interest.

5. I wish I was able to post voice messages or record stuff on here.  It would really make it that much more interesting.  I was talking to a guy, seemed like a really sweet guy, so I gave him my number.  Then he started getting stalkerish/too nice (is that possible)/just straight up bad weird and left me this voicemail after talking to him for two days:

***Before you read this, I replayed the voicemail about 10 times so it was spot on:

"Hey Courtney, this is Julian... I know that you said I think you were going away or something, but  figured I would try my luck anyways because I kicked some ass today.  I'm very proud of myself, I dove into my work, (he's an entrepreneur, another word for unemployed loser, 95% of the time.) I hired an amazing employee for my team.  I also accomplished some of those tasks, you know, that you've putting off for a long time and procrasenating.  Well, I not only did I attack them, I tore through them like a hungry animal and I wanted to reward myself with some Courtney time.  Perhaps I can tempt you with some fine wine, dancing in the park, the moonlight, um no ah just wanted to say hello.  Now you can finally match a voice to the face; hopefully talk soon."

... :shakes head:

The next two are people that I actually met.  Those are actually the more interesting ones, ones that raised a couple questions about the society that we live in today and would just be too long for one blog.

Until then
xox C

Just a couple of assholes that will make you feel sane today

Happy Hump Day to you all.  It's Wednesday, it's a little slow out there, so I figured you all need a little bit of humor in your life.  Two and a half days before the weekend, you don't want to do any type of work, we all know how it goes.  (Especially me- I'm jetted off to Cali on Saturday, 4 am, black car is going to be in my driveway to NWK) 

Unfortunately, some of the best messages I've received on Match.com are long gone, but I got a couple of goodies for you to make you feel sane.  Maybe, if you're a guy, and need some new lines, you can throw some of these around and see where the conversation leads; but, you'll know that I won't respond well.  Some days when you're really feeling fucking weird, (i.e. you're on Tinder, talking to a guy for five minutes, he asks you to come over for a date on his couch, he lives with his mom, lives in a really sketchy area, you haven't gotten any in a while, he looks cute, and you really just wanna say fuck it... [not me, my friend just did that last night;  I should post her story, I guess she's a little more open minded, ha])  you just got to look around you and realize there's a lot more crazy people out there than you think...


Dear Trevor,

I love when people message me without pictures.  I actually wrote don't even bother to message me if you don't have a picture in your profile; thanks for being a gentleman and actually reading my profile. (Sarcasm) You could be my cousin, you could be a stalker that follows me around in the mall, you could be my future husband (come on now) who knows!  Plus, you'll pay, Jesus what a gentleman, count me in for sure, bro.  I wonder how tall you are... I can't wait to be enemies...



Dear Trenton Boy,

Do you need a napkin?  That line is really going to make me fall in love.



Dear guy who knows Kirsten (class act who I lived with for two years),

You messaged me a novel beforehand, I didn't answer, then after three days you message me this, you think that I will actually answer?  THEN! I don't answer that and you message me "BOO!" Yeah, I'm really going to answer a grown man when he says boo, just so scared, please come over and cuddle with me...


Dear Dominicano,

You stole my heart, please be my man with your lovely usage of "their."  Did you go to high school?



Dear Mr. Rockaway,

I'm actually insanely boring and like to do absolutely nothing.  You have a great way with words though, let's meet up and do some fun hobby stuff.



Dear Mr. I just moved to Philly,

I appreciate the kindness in your genuinely written note, but people pay me for my fashion advice.  I don't even know you, you never took me to dinner, so ya ain't getting free advice from someone who works for the best; sorry.  FYI- Keep shopping at Walmart, because clearly the pictures in your clothes are not even those brands that you listed.

 

Dear some fucking bum,

 

I really hate logo tee shirts; you're 30 years old, really you shouldn't be wearing them, and of course the gym is understandable.  If you don't go to the gym and look like a hot mess after, you're not doing it right.  By the way, men should be wearing red pants and pocket squares.  That's probably why you're not meeting the classiest of girls.  You made me so mad I couldn't answer (I legitimately could not answer him)... UH I DRESS UP BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A FUCKING BUM, JUST LIKE YOU! :) good day, sir.

 

Dr. Mr. Please talk to me & I make millions,

I don't even know where to begin with this message. Quick background behind the story- Said guy sent me this message and two weeks later he sent me THE SAME MESSAGE. (enclosed below)

So, I was angry; I'm allowed to be angry.  That dude is messaging everyone on Match the same generic message, seriously!  (Little did I know that my cousin got the same exact message) The name of the game is you message me, ask little q&a about me, and try to woo me. Clearly I'm not wooed by your millions, I can date my clients if I really want a sugar daddy.  Anyways, I messaged him back with something like this because I was probably PMSing:

Hi,

I don't want your millions, I want someone who can write a well written message.  You sent me this message not once, but twice, please don't contact me again.  Good luck on Match.

He says something like this back: (Please note the paragraph form, delightfully sophisticated once again)

Hi
You are harassing me. I make millions it is an accomplishment. why are you mad?
Please talk to me.
Can we have a good conversation now?
Are you okay now?

... I roll my eyes and click delete.


Last one for today, this one clearly takes the cake, and he will tell you jokes better than I'll ever be able to tell.  Just read...
Dear Mr. Jokester,

You started off right and very charming.  Then you ended with terrible, terrible jokes.  Nice try, pal. 



xox C

Guys who send nudes to girls they just met an hour ago are indeed manwhores.

Hello, hello and happy Monday to you all.  I've gotten such great reviews from friends and friends of friends about my blog in the last couple of days, very happy about it; especially the last blog with the guy I almost went on a date with, shoe guy.  I do have another excellent story, so I really feel the need to post this so you all get my sense of humor.  I'm a lady who loves her sarcasm.  Just think by hearing this story, it will make you understand what I'm trying to say a little bit more in works to come in my blog.

This is another Match.com horror story, but a little but more humorous and a lot more sass on my part.  Like I said prior, sometimes ladies are allowed to get bitchy in particular situations.

I started talking to a guy for couple days via Match Messaging.  The conversation was going well, he asked me to dinner, I agreed, gave him my number.  Let's call him Eric; he actually kinda looked like an Eric in his pictures.  (Just you wait)  The first text Eric sends me goes a  little like this... (Expect, I will not post bad grammar on his behalf.)

Eric: So I re-read your Match.com profile are you're really judgmental. 
Me: Why's that, I'm simply just stating what I want in a guy, that's kinda the point for the "about me" section.
Eric:  I don't know why you won't date someone that's not over 5'9.
Me: Uh, it's a comfort thing?  I want to be comfortable, is that too much to ask?
Eric:  I'm a great guy and you're just judging the shit out of me right now.
Me:  How tall are you?
Eric: About 5'9
Me: Okay, well, the same height is fine, I can do that, I just honestly like taller.
Eric: You're still judging the shit out of me.
Me: Can you stop it already?


Maybe I should have picked up on this red light a little earlier...

Kept talking to Eric, just about little things, assumed (there was my second mistake) he was normal, and I figured I should give him a shot, maybe we just got off on the wrong foot.  Not even an hour into our conversation it starts getting a little weird.  Eric texts me "I hope this makes your day."  Enclosed is this:




...For real dude?  (Side note- horrible wallpaper, seriously?) I didn't even ask for this, I don't know why you would send me this.  Even though I would love to post his asshole face, I have refrained for his sake.  To prove he was a true asshole, the rest of this blog will be continued via screen shots.

Please note that after he send me the picture, I did not respond for a couple of days.  Made it REAL awkward for him. ;)































I told you not to piss me off...


xox C