Just a couple of assholes that will make you feel sane today

Happy Hump Day to you all.  It's Wednesday, it's a little slow out there, so I figured you all need a little bit of humor in your life.  Two and a half days before the weekend, you don't want to do any type of work, we all know how it goes.  (Especially me- I'm jetted off to Cali on Saturday, 4 am, black car is going to be in my driveway to NWK) 

Unfortunately, some of the best messages I've received on Match.com are long gone, but I got a couple of goodies for you to make you feel sane.  Maybe, if you're a guy, and need some new lines, you can throw some of these around and see where the conversation leads; but, you'll know that I won't respond well.  Some days when you're really feeling fucking weird, (i.e. you're on Tinder, talking to a guy for five minutes, he asks you to come over for a date on his couch, he lives with his mom, lives in a really sketchy area, you haven't gotten any in a while, he looks cute, and you really just wanna say fuck it... [not me, my friend just did that last night;  I should post her story, I guess she's a little more open minded, ha])  you just got to look around you and realize there's a lot more crazy people out there than you think...


Dear Trevor,

I love when people message me without pictures.  I actually wrote don't even bother to message me if you don't have a picture in your profile; thanks for being a gentleman and actually reading my profile. (Sarcasm) You could be my cousin, you could be a stalker that follows me around in the mall, you could be my future husband (come on now) who knows!  Plus, you'll pay, Jesus what a gentleman, count me in for sure, bro.  I wonder how tall you are... I can't wait to be enemies...



Dear Trenton Boy,

Do you need a napkin?  That line is really going to make me fall in love.



Dear guy who knows Kirsten (class act who I lived with for two years),

You messaged me a novel beforehand, I didn't answer, then after three days you message me this, you think that I will actually answer?  THEN! I don't answer that and you message me "BOO!" Yeah, I'm really going to answer a grown man when he says boo, just so scared, please come over and cuddle with me...


Dear Dominicano,

You stole my heart, please be my man with your lovely usage of "their."  Did you go to high school?



Dear Mr. Rockaway,

I'm actually insanely boring and like to do absolutely nothing.  You have a great way with words though, let's meet up and do some fun hobby stuff.



Dear Mr. I just moved to Philly,

I appreciate the kindness in your genuinely written note, but people pay me for my fashion advice.  I don't even know you, you never took me to dinner, so ya ain't getting free advice from someone who works for the best; sorry.  FYI- Keep shopping at Walmart, because clearly the pictures in your clothes are not even those brands that you listed.

 

Dear some fucking bum,

 

I really hate logo tee shirts; you're 30 years old, really you shouldn't be wearing them, and of course the gym is understandable.  If you don't go to the gym and look like a hot mess after, you're not doing it right.  By the way, men should be wearing red pants and pocket squares.  That's probably why you're not meeting the classiest of girls.  You made me so mad I couldn't answer (I legitimately could not answer him)... UH I DRESS UP BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A FUCKING BUM, JUST LIKE YOU! :) good day, sir.

 

Dr. Mr. Please talk to me & I make millions,

I don't even know where to begin with this message. Quick background behind the story- Said guy sent me this message and two weeks later he sent me THE SAME MESSAGE. (enclosed below)

So, I was angry; I'm allowed to be angry.  That dude is messaging everyone on Match the same generic message, seriously!  (Little did I know that my cousin got the same exact message) The name of the game is you message me, ask little q&a about me, and try to woo me. Clearly I'm not wooed by your millions, I can date my clients if I really want a sugar daddy.  Anyways, I messaged him back with something like this because I was probably PMSing:

Hi,

I don't want your millions, I want someone who can write a well written message.  You sent me this message not once, but twice, please don't contact me again.  Good luck on Match.

He says something like this back: (Please note the paragraph form, delightfully sophisticated once again)

Hi
You are harassing me. I make millions it is an accomplishment. why are you mad?
Please talk to me.
Can we have a good conversation now?
Are you okay now?

... I roll my eyes and click delete.


Last one for today, this one clearly takes the cake, and he will tell you jokes better than I'll ever be able to tell.  Just read...
Dear Mr. Jokester,

You started off right and very charming.  Then you ended with terrible, terrible jokes.  Nice try, pal. 



xox C