When is it an appropriate time to go over to a gentleman's abode?

When is it an appropriate time to go over to a gentleman's abode? Everyone may have different opinions on this one, and you may find mine a little old fashioned, but that's just who I am, as a lady.

***DISCLAIMER - There is a story after a little introduction... ***

I was always raised in a household that if I was to get pregnant before I was married, I would thrown out and disowned; it's just how my mom was raised, she wanted to enforce that with me, and she probably wanted to scare the living shit out of me, which it actually did.

Dating when you're out of college is, of course, going to be different than dating when you're living and working in the professional world. I've had two long term relationships in the last four years, so dating has been a little different and somewhat new for me since I have only been out of college for two years. Transitioning from going to Chilli's with that guy that you made out with in the lacrosse house basement to meeting up at a local byob with a guy that you met online from Match.com are two totally different dating scieneros that come with a lot of different things.

Going in a date with said hottie from the lax house could be a lot more uncomfortable than going on a date when you're outside of college, for reasons I will begin to reveal.

While in college, when I was a freshman, I went to the infamous lacrosse house more times than I should. (we didn't have frats at my college, so sports houses were the place to be.) I remember seeing this guy, and it was seriously love at first sight. He was tall, he was handsome, he knew how to dress, he was the ideal man for me to go up and talk to based on his physical appearance and my physical demands. I noticed he was holding onto his North Face jacket awkwardly, and so I went up to him and asked if he wanted to me hold his jacket. (Good one, right?) This immediately ensued a conversation between us. I held his coat while he played beer pong and he had to come find me at the end of the night, which was great for me. At the end of the night, he got his jacket and I only got his name. I was devastated, but I was pretty shy, fresh out of high school at the time, and had absolutely no game. The week after or two weeks, I really couldn't tell you, it was my birthday and I went back to the lacrosse house in hopes to see Mr. North Face. (I promise this story has a point.) So, decked out in my slutty birthday's best, I saw Mr. North Face from a far. It was my 19th birthday, so of course I was several Keystone Light's deep. (Pennsylvania underage beer of choice) We chatted, he approved of the slutty birthday attire, I found out his name and a phone number, maybe I got a couple kisses or two. I guess I ended up being so drunk that I missed my ride, so Mr. North Face drove me home, being the southern gentleman that he was. In the midst of him driving me home, I felt the need to (what's the lady like word for puking?) barf my brains out. I ended up sticking my head out the window and gracefully puked on the side of his car and of course in my hair. At the end of all of this, he wanted to take me out to dinner. Why would he want to take me out to dinner when I just ralphed all over his Honda civic that his parents bought him for joining the military academy? And so, the next morning, he took me out to lunch for a stuffy and uncomfortable first date.

After that date, I never really had a formal "date" in college before I got into a relationship with someone. Dates in college would include going to the dining hall and having him swipe for you or going over to "watch a movie." Dates just really didn't exist in college; Why was this? Was I meeting the wrong men? Was this because no one really had means of transportation where I went to college? And so, dating was somewhat non existent for myself and my college girlfriends. (I double checked on this one to make sure I wasn't the only one missing out within my school and others.). The first date with Mr. North Face felt so stiff and uncomfortable, more so than a typical first date. Maybe it was because I was so hungover, but it just didn't have a natural and comfortable flow like dates do now a days for me. (I ended up dating Mr. North Face for nearly a year, so clearly it wasn't a chemistry issue.) So, after this date, many others, Mr. North Face and I parted ways.  After this, I just ended up going to guys rooms to hang out and get to know them before dating them offically. After seeing a guy and getting into a relationship, would we go out to dinner every week or so, and that was always a huge deal, quick trips to King of Prussia Mall for a new outfit. It was just more natural and comfortable to sit on a couch and have a conversation with a guy in his room than going out to dinner at that point in my life and many other girlfriends I've spoken to agree. All of a sudden when you become a college graduate this all becomes unacceptable and "unlady like."

I say going over to a guys house on a first date is "unlady like" because it is in the real world. The message you portray to your potential suitor is that you're DTF. (DTF = down to fuck; straight up Jersey Shore verbiage here.) If you're a male or a female and disagree, I would love to know your reasoning. Why is this not right to do suddenly because you're out of college? Why do we have to get dressed up and act like adults for a first date? Perhaps this is what our society standards tell us to do, or maybe it's just our moral standards; maybe some of you don't even have moral standards.  So when is it "proper" to go and watch a movie or whatever you want to call it at a guys house? Second date? After the first date goes well? A third date? I truly believe in whatever you decide, that it sends a message to your potential mate- positive or negative, you make that choice. Now here's where the story of my opinions becomes real life...

Early on, when I first joined Match, I ended up talking to a guy that knew a lot of the same people I knew; in one of his match profile pictures, he had a couple of girls that I went to high school with, and so I figured he was a normal guy. This guy, lets call him... Craig. (first short name I thought of, probably because my cousin just married a Craig the other day! Congrats again!). When I think about it, he does look like a Craig. For now on, when talking about guys I meet, I will just use names that I think they really look like. So, Craig and I talked for a couple days, he seemed like a great guy, but I wasn't too sure if I was sexually attracted to him based on his pictures; I was willing to keep an open mind because of the mutual friends that we had, which would make him a without a doubt solid guy. He was a nice guy, but he wasn't educated, yet he had a good job; still don't know if that's a dealbreaker for me... So, anyway, one night I was out with a girlfriend and he was going to the same bar as me, so we decided we would casually meet up for a drink, even though we originally planned for dinner another day. Like I said, this was early in in my Match career, so I had serious anxiety before seeing Craig that night. I actually ignored his texts and before I was going to leave the bar, I told him what I was wearing, so if he didn't find me I could have blamed it on him. He ended up finding me. He ended up running over to me, and was so sweet; he bought a drink for me and one for my girlfriend. We danced for a little bit with his friends and my friend, it was pleasant.  (Notice how excited I am in my word choice.)  When it was time to leave, he hugged me goodbye, kissed me on the cheek, and we said we would plan to do dinner soon. I thought that he was nice enough, so when he would have asked, I would say yes to a dinner date if he wanted to see me again. (so weird- sometimes you meet up with someone, they say let's hang out again, then I never hear from them; 9 out of 10 times, I never actually want to see them again.) So, I waited for him to text me, probably mainly because I wasn't so into him. (Side note, when I'm into a guy, I don't mess around, I don't really have shame in my game anymore at my old age.) So, Craig texted me one Saturday night, and we were going back and forth, talking about pointless things, and I said to him do you want to plan date for this coming week. He told me he was very busy, too busy to do dinner, (considering his profession, he had more than enough time, trust me.) but he said I could come over and "watch a movie." I considered the idea at first, especially since he seemed like he was a good guy, but I ended up telling him that I really wasn't comfortable with that idea since we only met at a bar for 45 minutes. I also casually included that I was on Match for a relationship, and that I wasn't looking just to hook up with someone, like most people my age. I'm just at the point and time in my life that I'd rather be brutally honest than beat around the bush. So, I told him something like hey, I'm really not that kinda girl to just come over after barely knowing you, I have brothers, I know what your intentions are. (I threw in a smilie face and an lol to make the conversation less serious.) He immediately got offended and made the conversation about himself and how he's "not that kinda guy." While explaining himself via text message (I really should have kept these messages; too bad this was weeks ago.) He said something like I'm not like everyone else you meet (yeah, we all say that, kid.) I'm a good guy (yeah, I bet you are, but you have a dick and a pulse.) and he immediately tried to make me uncomfortable for my moral decision making! Just respect my decision on saying no to coming over your house!  We didn't even have a first date; after all, he promised me dinner and isn't that how things should go in the "real world?" Conflicted with my morals and society standards, we ended up legitimately getting into a screaming match over text message. He just "wasn't like that" and he "wouldn't do anything" I'm sorry dude, but you're asking me to come over and watch a movie; that's code for hooking up- In college, when my boyfriend would come over and I wanted my roommate to leave me alone, I told her I was going to watch the movie Up; I'm a chick and I even use this shitty line too. So, Craig and I never resolved our issues, and I really was just over it and didn't even want to get a free meal out of him. He just couldn't respect my lady like decision on saying no to coming over at midnight on a weekday to "watch a movie," like come on now... Am I crazy for thinking otherwise? I have brothers!

So, I didn't talk to Craig for weeks, I figured I was in the clear. Two weeks ago, he messaged me on Facebook, and said he had to do some real detective work to find me on Facebook; he didn't have my number anymore because his phone died or some other shitty explanation. He also asked me if I had his number still, and unfortunately I kept it incase it randomly called one day, and then I would know not to answer. I told him he should have just messaged me on Match, but he said he got rid of his Match account because he was going through some "personal things." He didn't even apologize for his actions from prior, and I would be kissing my own ass if I were him. And so he asked me if I wanted to hang out, and I joking said to him "maybe, as long as it's not at your place, ha." And he flipped out on me AGAIN! The dude couldn't let it up! I just couldn't answer at that point, I didn't want to deal with this dick anymore. I told him I had to go and he told me I should text him with plans to hang out in time to come; and of course, I never did.

While in California last week, I would check Facebook from time to time, and so I came across a Facebook Status a little something like this:

"Every time I get a new girlfriend, gotta buy some new suits." Checked in a Jos A. Banks.


Two things immediately came to mind that are wrong with this scienero:

1. Jos A. Banks- Really? You're 25 and need to wear a suit everyday to work, step it up to at least Hugo Boss, you make over 100k a year.
2. Girlfriend- :hits the unfriend button: (that thought really did come second)


Two of morals to the story:

1. All guys are the same. Craig, the scumbag, told me he got off Match for "personal reasons," personal reasons being you got a fucking girlfriend. My man wanted one last shot to hit it, he had nothing to lose with hitting me up, because of this other pussy in tow. I don't care how genuine you guys are, sometimes you could be, but you have a dick and a pulse; and to be honest, and you're not the only ones that are trying to get it.

2. Where you want a relationship to go begins with how you present yourself to your mate. Society "real life" standards for dating are standards in their own.  While in college, these standards should not be replicated in the real world, unless you don't plan on being a lady, which isn't a path I could enlighten you about. Clearly, when Craig did not respect my decision not to come over from square one, and I should have kicked his ass to the curb. If he was a gentleman, he would have not made a such a fuss and maybe we would be talking. (Highly doubt it.) I guess just be a lady if you want the right kinda guy to holler back.

That's all for now
Xox C