The lovely world of Tinder - Part I

This is the first blog post that I don't even know where to begin; this really has been one in the making.

So, for you all that do not know, Tinder is a dating application used on smartphones.  The jist of the application is something like this: you have a maximum of four pictures, you can write a couple sentence biography underneath your photo, it's really a vain application (in my opinion), GPS locates where you are, and you're matched up with males or females in an age range of your choice.  If you like someone's photos, you swipe your finger to the right and if you don't like someone's photos, you swipe to the left.  When you do like someone and he/she likes you, you're "matched" and you're given an opportunity to message each other.  It's a interesting program, don't get me wrong, but not so great people are on it.

When I say not so great people are on it, I say not the kinda people (for the most part- some of my great girlfriends are on it, and of course I'm on it.) you're going to bring home to mom and dad are on it.  If you're looking to just hook up with someone, then you're on the right dating application.  So, me looking for a relationship and not just a hook up, perhaps I should have steered clear from the application from the start.  I have met one person from Tinder, and the experience was so bad that I would never use the application ever again.  Let me give you seven solid scenarios, and perhaps you'll be able to hear me out and get a kick out of it.

Where to I begin?  Which story is the worst? Most of them are just funny messages, I could only screen shot, so I'll just post screen shots with witty side comments.  Apparently last time I did that, it was quite the hit.  Please note the time of day for some of these messages.


1.


... Was this actually real life?  I need to meet one of the girls that actually said yes.


2.

... I should have said something like sorry, I don't wash my hair because I don't have any and I'm going through chemotherapy.  Something to make him feel like the compete asshole that he is.

3.

Too bad I don't need a green card.

4.

Other than the fact that he has the same name as my brother, I gotta give him points on getting creative, but really?  That's all you're going to talk to me about?  I just lost interest.

5. I wish I was able to post voice messages or record stuff on here.  It would really make it that much more interesting.  I was talking to a guy, seemed like a really sweet guy, so I gave him my number.  Then he started getting stalkerish/too nice (is that possible)/just straight up bad weird and left me this voicemail after talking to him for two days:

***Before you read this, I replayed the voicemail about 10 times so it was spot on:

"Hey Courtney, this is Julian... I know that you said I think you were going away or something, but  figured I would try my luck anyways because I kicked some ass today.  I'm very proud of myself, I dove into my work, (he's an entrepreneur, another word for unemployed loser, 95% of the time.) I hired an amazing employee for my team.  I also accomplished some of those tasks, you know, that you've putting off for a long time and procrasenating.  Well, I not only did I attack them, I tore through them like a hungry animal and I wanted to reward myself with some Courtney time.  Perhaps I can tempt you with some fine wine, dancing in the park, the moonlight, um no ah just wanted to say hello.  Now you can finally match a voice to the face; hopefully talk soon."

... :shakes head:

The next two are people that I actually met.  Those are actually the more interesting ones, ones that raised a couple questions about the society that we live in today and would just be too long for one blog.

Until then
xox C

When is it an appropriate time to go over to a gentleman's abode?

When is it an appropriate time to go over to a gentleman's abode? Everyone may have different opinions on this one, and you may find mine a little old fashioned, but that's just who I am, as a lady.

***DISCLAIMER - There is a story after a little introduction... ***

I was always raised in a household that if I was to get pregnant before I was married, I would thrown out and disowned; it's just how my mom was raised, she wanted to enforce that with me, and she probably wanted to scare the living shit out of me, which it actually did.

Dating when you're out of college is, of course, going to be different than dating when you're living and working in the professional world. I've had two long term relationships in the last four years, so dating has been a little different and somewhat new for me since I have only been out of college for two years. Transitioning from going to Chilli's with that guy that you made out with in the lacrosse house basement to meeting up at a local byob with a guy that you met online from Match.com are two totally different dating scieneros that come with a lot of different things.

Going in a date with said hottie from the lax house could be a lot more uncomfortable than going on a date when you're outside of college, for reasons I will begin to reveal.

While in college, when I was a freshman, I went to the infamous lacrosse house more times than I should. (we didn't have frats at my college, so sports houses were the place to be.) I remember seeing this guy, and it was seriously love at first sight. He was tall, he was handsome, he knew how to dress, he was the ideal man for me to go up and talk to based on his physical appearance and my physical demands. I noticed he was holding onto his North Face jacket awkwardly, and so I went up to him and asked if he wanted to me hold his jacket. (Good one, right?) This immediately ensued a conversation between us. I held his coat while he played beer pong and he had to come find me at the end of the night, which was great for me. At the end of the night, he got his jacket and I only got his name. I was devastated, but I was pretty shy, fresh out of high school at the time, and had absolutely no game. The week after or two weeks, I really couldn't tell you, it was my birthday and I went back to the lacrosse house in hopes to see Mr. North Face. (I promise this story has a point.) So, decked out in my slutty birthday's best, I saw Mr. North Face from a far. It was my 19th birthday, so of course I was several Keystone Light's deep. (Pennsylvania underage beer of choice) We chatted, he approved of the slutty birthday attire, I found out his name and a phone number, maybe I got a couple kisses or two. I guess I ended up being so drunk that I missed my ride, so Mr. North Face drove me home, being the southern gentleman that he was. In the midst of him driving me home, I felt the need to (what's the lady like word for puking?) barf my brains out. I ended up sticking my head out the window and gracefully puked on the side of his car and of course in my hair. At the end of all of this, he wanted to take me out to dinner. Why would he want to take me out to dinner when I just ralphed all over his Honda civic that his parents bought him for joining the military academy? And so, the next morning, he took me out to lunch for a stuffy and uncomfortable first date.

After that date, I never really had a formal "date" in college before I got into a relationship with someone. Dates in college would include going to the dining hall and having him swipe for you or going over to "watch a movie." Dates just really didn't exist in college; Why was this? Was I meeting the wrong men? Was this because no one really had means of transportation where I went to college? And so, dating was somewhat non existent for myself and my college girlfriends. (I double checked on this one to make sure I wasn't the only one missing out within my school and others.). The first date with Mr. North Face felt so stiff and uncomfortable, more so than a typical first date. Maybe it was because I was so hungover, but it just didn't have a natural and comfortable flow like dates do now a days for me. (I ended up dating Mr. North Face for nearly a year, so clearly it wasn't a chemistry issue.) So, after this date, many others, Mr. North Face and I parted ways.  After this, I just ended up going to guys rooms to hang out and get to know them before dating them offically. After seeing a guy and getting into a relationship, would we go out to dinner every week or so, and that was always a huge deal, quick trips to King of Prussia Mall for a new outfit. It was just more natural and comfortable to sit on a couch and have a conversation with a guy in his room than going out to dinner at that point in my life and many other girlfriends I've spoken to agree. All of a sudden when you become a college graduate this all becomes unacceptable and "unlady like."

I say going over to a guys house on a first date is "unlady like" because it is in the real world. The message you portray to your potential suitor is that you're DTF. (DTF = down to fuck; straight up Jersey Shore verbiage here.) If you're a male or a female and disagree, I would love to know your reasoning. Why is this not right to do suddenly because you're out of college? Why do we have to get dressed up and act like adults for a first date? Perhaps this is what our society standards tell us to do, or maybe it's just our moral standards; maybe some of you don't even have moral standards.  So when is it "proper" to go and watch a movie or whatever you want to call it at a guys house? Second date? After the first date goes well? A third date? I truly believe in whatever you decide, that it sends a message to your potential mate- positive or negative, you make that choice. Now here's where the story of my opinions becomes real life...

Early on, when I first joined Match, I ended up talking to a guy that knew a lot of the same people I knew; in one of his match profile pictures, he had a couple of girls that I went to high school with, and so I figured he was a normal guy. This guy, lets call him... Craig. (first short name I thought of, probably because my cousin just married a Craig the other day! Congrats again!). When I think about it, he does look like a Craig. For now on, when talking about guys I meet, I will just use names that I think they really look like. So, Craig and I talked for a couple days, he seemed like a great guy, but I wasn't too sure if I was sexually attracted to him based on his pictures; I was willing to keep an open mind because of the mutual friends that we had, which would make him a without a doubt solid guy. He was a nice guy, but he wasn't educated, yet he had a good job; still don't know if that's a dealbreaker for me... So, anyway, one night I was out with a girlfriend and he was going to the same bar as me, so we decided we would casually meet up for a drink, even though we originally planned for dinner another day. Like I said, this was early in in my Match career, so I had serious anxiety before seeing Craig that night. I actually ignored his texts and before I was going to leave the bar, I told him what I was wearing, so if he didn't find me I could have blamed it on him. He ended up finding me. He ended up running over to me, and was so sweet; he bought a drink for me and one for my girlfriend. We danced for a little bit with his friends and my friend, it was pleasant.  (Notice how excited I am in my word choice.)  When it was time to leave, he hugged me goodbye, kissed me on the cheek, and we said we would plan to do dinner soon. I thought that he was nice enough, so when he would have asked, I would say yes to a dinner date if he wanted to see me again. (so weird- sometimes you meet up with someone, they say let's hang out again, then I never hear from them; 9 out of 10 times, I never actually want to see them again.) So, I waited for him to text me, probably mainly because I wasn't so into him. (Side note, when I'm into a guy, I don't mess around, I don't really have shame in my game anymore at my old age.) So, Craig texted me one Saturday night, and we were going back and forth, talking about pointless things, and I said to him do you want to plan date for this coming week. He told me he was very busy, too busy to do dinner, (considering his profession, he had more than enough time, trust me.) but he said I could come over and "watch a movie." I considered the idea at first, especially since he seemed like he was a good guy, but I ended up telling him that I really wasn't comfortable with that idea since we only met at a bar for 45 minutes. I also casually included that I was on Match for a relationship, and that I wasn't looking just to hook up with someone, like most people my age. I'm just at the point and time in my life that I'd rather be brutally honest than beat around the bush. So, I told him something like hey, I'm really not that kinda girl to just come over after barely knowing you, I have brothers, I know what your intentions are. (I threw in a smilie face and an lol to make the conversation less serious.) He immediately got offended and made the conversation about himself and how he's "not that kinda guy." While explaining himself via text message (I really should have kept these messages; too bad this was weeks ago.) He said something like I'm not like everyone else you meet (yeah, we all say that, kid.) I'm a good guy (yeah, I bet you are, but you have a dick and a pulse.) and he immediately tried to make me uncomfortable for my moral decision making! Just respect my decision on saying no to coming over your house!  We didn't even have a first date; after all, he promised me dinner and isn't that how things should go in the "real world?" Conflicted with my morals and society standards, we ended up legitimately getting into a screaming match over text message. He just "wasn't like that" and he "wouldn't do anything" I'm sorry dude, but you're asking me to come over and watch a movie; that's code for hooking up- In college, when my boyfriend would come over and I wanted my roommate to leave me alone, I told her I was going to watch the movie Up; I'm a chick and I even use this shitty line too. So, Craig and I never resolved our issues, and I really was just over it and didn't even want to get a free meal out of him. He just couldn't respect my lady like decision on saying no to coming over at midnight on a weekday to "watch a movie," like come on now... Am I crazy for thinking otherwise? I have brothers!

So, I didn't talk to Craig for weeks, I figured I was in the clear. Two weeks ago, he messaged me on Facebook, and said he had to do some real detective work to find me on Facebook; he didn't have my number anymore because his phone died or some other shitty explanation. He also asked me if I had his number still, and unfortunately I kept it incase it randomly called one day, and then I would know not to answer. I told him he should have just messaged me on Match, but he said he got rid of his Match account because he was going through some "personal things." He didn't even apologize for his actions from prior, and I would be kissing my own ass if I were him. And so he asked me if I wanted to hang out, and I joking said to him "maybe, as long as it's not at your place, ha." And he flipped out on me AGAIN! The dude couldn't let it up! I just couldn't answer at that point, I didn't want to deal with this dick anymore. I told him I had to go and he told me I should text him with plans to hang out in time to come; and of course, I never did.

While in California last week, I would check Facebook from time to time, and so I came across a Facebook Status a little something like this:

"Every time I get a new girlfriend, gotta buy some new suits." Checked in a Jos A. Banks.


Two things immediately came to mind that are wrong with this scienero:

1. Jos A. Banks- Really? You're 25 and need to wear a suit everyday to work, step it up to at least Hugo Boss, you make over 100k a year.
2. Girlfriend- :hits the unfriend button: (that thought really did come second)


Two of morals to the story:

1. All guys are the same. Craig, the scumbag, told me he got off Match for "personal reasons," personal reasons being you got a fucking girlfriend. My man wanted one last shot to hit it, he had nothing to lose with hitting me up, because of this other pussy in tow. I don't care how genuine you guys are, sometimes you could be, but you have a dick and a pulse; and to be honest, and you're not the only ones that are trying to get it.

2. Where you want a relationship to go begins with how you present yourself to your mate. Society "real life" standards for dating are standards in their own.  While in college, these standards should not be replicated in the real world, unless you don't plan on being a lady, which isn't a path I could enlighten you about. Clearly, when Craig did not respect my decision not to come over from square one, and I should have kicked his ass to the curb. If he was a gentleman, he would have not made a such a fuss and maybe we would be talking. (Highly doubt it.) I guess just be a lady if you want the right kinda guy to holler back.

That's all for now
Xox C

Just a couple of assholes that will make you feel sane today

Happy Hump Day to you all.  It's Wednesday, it's a little slow out there, so I figured you all need a little bit of humor in your life.  Two and a half days before the weekend, you don't want to do any type of work, we all know how it goes.  (Especially me- I'm jetted off to Cali on Saturday, 4 am, black car is going to be in my driveway to NWK) 

Unfortunately, some of the best messages I've received on Match.com are long gone, but I got a couple of goodies for you to make you feel sane.  Maybe, if you're a guy, and need some new lines, you can throw some of these around and see where the conversation leads; but, you'll know that I won't respond well.  Some days when you're really feeling fucking weird, (i.e. you're on Tinder, talking to a guy for five minutes, he asks you to come over for a date on his couch, he lives with his mom, lives in a really sketchy area, you haven't gotten any in a while, he looks cute, and you really just wanna say fuck it... [not me, my friend just did that last night;  I should post her story, I guess she's a little more open minded, ha])  you just got to look around you and realize there's a lot more crazy people out there than you think...


Dear Trevor,

I love when people message me without pictures.  I actually wrote don't even bother to message me if you don't have a picture in your profile; thanks for being a gentleman and actually reading my profile. (Sarcasm) You could be my cousin, you could be a stalker that follows me around in the mall, you could be my future husband (come on now) who knows!  Plus, you'll pay, Jesus what a gentleman, count me in for sure, bro.  I wonder how tall you are... I can't wait to be enemies...



Dear Trenton Boy,

Do you need a napkin?  That line is really going to make me fall in love.



Dear guy who knows Kirsten (class act who I lived with for two years),

You messaged me a novel beforehand, I didn't answer, then after three days you message me this, you think that I will actually answer?  THEN! I don't answer that and you message me "BOO!" Yeah, I'm really going to answer a grown man when he says boo, just so scared, please come over and cuddle with me...


Dear Dominicano,

You stole my heart, please be my man with your lovely usage of "their."  Did you go to high school?



Dear Mr. Rockaway,

I'm actually insanely boring and like to do absolutely nothing.  You have a great way with words though, let's meet up and do some fun hobby stuff.



Dear Mr. I just moved to Philly,

I appreciate the kindness in your genuinely written note, but people pay me for my fashion advice.  I don't even know you, you never took me to dinner, so ya ain't getting free advice from someone who works for the best; sorry.  FYI- Keep shopping at Walmart, because clearly the pictures in your clothes are not even those brands that you listed.

 

Dear some fucking bum,

 

I really hate logo tee shirts; you're 30 years old, really you shouldn't be wearing them, and of course the gym is understandable.  If you don't go to the gym and look like a hot mess after, you're not doing it right.  By the way, men should be wearing red pants and pocket squares.  That's probably why you're not meeting the classiest of girls.  You made me so mad I couldn't answer (I legitimately could not answer him)... UH I DRESS UP BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A FUCKING BUM, JUST LIKE YOU! :) good day, sir.

 

Dr. Mr. Please talk to me & I make millions,

I don't even know where to begin with this message. Quick background behind the story- Said guy sent me this message and two weeks later he sent me THE SAME MESSAGE. (enclosed below)

So, I was angry; I'm allowed to be angry.  That dude is messaging everyone on Match the same generic message, seriously!  (Little did I know that my cousin got the same exact message) The name of the game is you message me, ask little q&a about me, and try to woo me. Clearly I'm not wooed by your millions, I can date my clients if I really want a sugar daddy.  Anyways, I messaged him back with something like this because I was probably PMSing:

Hi,

I don't want your millions, I want someone who can write a well written message.  You sent me this message not once, but twice, please don't contact me again.  Good luck on Match.

He says something like this back: (Please note the paragraph form, delightfully sophisticated once again)

Hi
You are harassing me. I make millions it is an accomplishment. why are you mad?
Please talk to me.
Can we have a good conversation now?
Are you okay now?

... I roll my eyes and click delete.


Last one for today, this one clearly takes the cake, and he will tell you jokes better than I'll ever be able to tell.  Just read...
Dear Mr. Jokester,

You started off right and very charming.  Then you ended with terrible, terrible jokes.  Nice try, pal. 



xox C